The Whine Reaches Climax

So yesterday I turned 40. More whimper than bang.

I'm not sure what I expected at this point in my life. I thought I would be smarter, wiser.... somehow better.

Living four decades is supposed provide some sort of perspective right?

Not so as I can tell. I'm as blind as I was 10 years ago. Not an oracle, merely a supplicant still.

Admittedly death is more of a reality. Better perhaps a certainty. I've always accepted that death is inevitable. It's just that now I've got so much more to lose.

A year ago, right before Christmas, a friend died quite suddenly. Rushed to the hospital on Thursday. By Saturday they were removing life support. She left a husband and two young boys behind. Quita was the center round which her family orbited. She was a joy and delight to all her friends. I couldn't wrap my head around it. We're supposed to get to see our kids grow up right? We get to spoil the grandkids, then grow old and die together.

My own family history should have taught me better. There are no happy endings. Just endings. You make the best of them that you can. Easier to do with some than with others.

And you do what you can to forestall the inevitable. Next month, I go see the doctor to address the high cholesterol. Preferably without medication, but we swallow the pill if there's no other way. And the weight is coming off. Steps are being taken.

But there are no flashes of insight, no homilies, no metaphors to pierce the metaphysical veil. I'm the same as I ever was.

Well except for one thing perhaps. The other day my mother remarks to me, says as if addressing, if not a peer, at least another adult, that she thinks I have a kind heart.

Perhaps I've gained something in the living after all.